[Chicago, IL] On an abnormally sunny and warm day this February, researchers at Northwestern Medicine quietly released their findings on theorized cures for cancer that one might call 'bizarre'. Thats right: the Amtrak hotdog is apparently a cure for all kinds of cancer: mouth, throat, stomach, and more. While further trials are still needed before the cure comes to market, researchers Emilia Vienna and Gene Klement are highly confident in it's success.

    Early trials on humans have shown partial remission is possible within 6 weeks of starting the treatment, with complete remission still having to be seen by the treatment. Researchers say that while they know the Amtrak hotdogs are able to put the cancer into remission, they are still dialing in how long to microwave the hot dog and let it cool before eating. Per a comment by Emilia, "slight differences the heating methodology vastly affect the efficacy of the treatment, and every week we seem to get closer and closer to that 'goldilocks zone' of microwave time and power level, cooking vessel compositosition, size, and shape, room temperature and color, cultery (or the lack thereof), etc."

    You might be asking yourself at this point: how the hell did we even get here? While on an Amtrak trip from Cumberland, Maryland to Chicago, the researchers (who are in a hetero findom paypig consenual breeding fetish coparenting situationship) were discussing possible cures for cancer in the cafe car when Gene ordered a hot dog and an idea popped into his head: "What if all the preservatives, combined with the heat, steam, and microplastics, could create the perfect environment to help kill cancerous cells? As it turns out, yes!

    The Amtrak hotdog wasn't the only thing they thought about, though most didn't make the cut for testing. Some of our favorites:

• Amtrak Cheeseburger: The larger surface area caused faster and more uneven cooling, resulting in unreliable results.
• Ointment from Wabtec® COBRA® HiCap™ Brake Shoe Dust: Negligible results + permanently stains skin dark grey.
• Copium: Improved symptoms, but had no affect on cancerous cells.
• Amtrak White Cheddar Mac & Cheese: Showed promise, but resulted in more clinical trial participants burning the roof of their mouths than acceptable.
  
      We're still multiple years away from the treatment reaching full effectiveness, much less being approved by the FDA, but there is progress happening every day in the world of medicine, no matter how unorthadox. All we know is that a dish commonly eaten on trains in these United States is improving the world bit by bit via the work of Vienna and Klement. Just something to think about the next time you're chowing down on a glizzy™.